Rut

I think it's this weather. It's biblical the amount of snow. It's been falling in huge flakes for days on end. Doesn't the sky ever need to, I dunno, STOP!? Where is all the moisture coming from? It can't just precipitate forever can it? AH! Where is Davey with a weather report for me? I turn on the news but I don't like what it says so I end up just turning it off and cursing loudly.

The weather has thwarted my attempts at earning a living. I was cut immediately last night from RL-- with that kind of weather ownage, no one wanted to venture out for seafood. Today I got sent home within an hour from the clinic. We have to fly a doctor in from the Cities and no pilot was willing to make a go of it. Felt bad for all the women-- they kind of just want to get this stuff over with.

So now I'm back home hiding in sweatpants drinking tea and trying to make something out of my lost day (conveniently overlooking taxes, housework and all other responsible things).

I'm in a rut. I have a great roommate, I'm in good health and I'm certainly busy with three jobs but I feel so uneasy. Perhaps I have acquired secondary trauma-- we talked about it in crisis line training the other day. I'm dealing with some very heavy subjects after all. But that doesn't seem right. I mean, I WANTED to work in these situations.

It very well could be the weather. It's been gray and snowy and slippery and gross for months and months now and I am over it.

It could be general discomfort at being done with school and trying to handle life after college and all sorts of crippling decisions (what happens after this 9 month internship-- what do you want out of life?) etc etc blah blah.

Anyway, I find that I don't sleep so well. I doze but I'm constantly dreaming and waking up.

Mild Depression has set in. I find myself mercilessly unmotivated and tired all the time. I have horrible nagging fears in my head telling me that I'm failing, that I'm going to break down. I hate those voices. They are bitches.

Thank God for friends. Every night I get to come home to Tyler who always has a smile and tries to make me laugh. Mom is a phone call away and can always pep me up. But it's not enough. I want to pep myself up. I can always tell when I'm slipping into depression because I can't seem to get MYSELF out of anything. I feel helpless or worthless, whereas before I'd just look myself in the mirror, mentally kick my ass and go about my day. Now I avoid mirrors because I don't want to look myself in the eye.

It really quite possibly is the work. This Saturday is my first night on call. I'm terrified. I could end up in the ER with a rape victim, or talking to a woman after a beating. How can I help them when I can't help myself? I've watched so many training videos and listened to so many calls that I find myself having weird flashes during the day. I was walking downtown today and there was a scary-looking homeless man approaching me. It was an alleyway and there was a deserted doorway to my right. All of a sudden, I started to breath really fast. I imagined this man suddenly lunging at me and pushing me into that doorway and attacking me. My heart was pounding so fast and then… I slipped in the snow. The homeless dude looked at me and said, “careful little lady.” I felt immediately ridiculous. But you hear about this shit all the time and suddenly you feel on the brink of victimization at all times.

I hate pulling into my garage at night because I’m afraid someone will sneak in behind me, shut the door and put a gun to my head. It’s stupid. In all likelihood, I’ll be attacked by someone I know and trust ---—cheery thought huh?


Anyway...

Latest Netflix movies and my reviews

Marie Antoinette 4 stars
Mad Hot Ballroom 3 stars

Next movie: October Sky


And tonight, if I can stomach the weather, I’m going to shake things up further by venturing out to the historic Fargo Theater to see “The Queen”.

Wish me luck with my mood elevators :)