March Madness-- my edition

I want to go on vacation.

But money is not so much in my bank account.

Boo.

In other news, my waitress job is giving me ulcers. Have you ever had a job that you dread so much that you just can't sleep the night before you work? I can do my job and I may even NOT suck at it. I made some good tips today. Of course I'm freaked that I'll do something stupid or drop a tray of food but the real stress comes from management that frankly, I fear, hates me. I'm not needing to be coddled but I don't understand taking such pleasure in my mistakes, however small and trying to make me feel like this huge embarrassment to the waitressing profession.

You wanna talk embarrassment? Having to cut someone off who is CLEARLY drunk and then have them ask you--- loudly-- "hey, are you wearing any underwear?" Awesome. I love my job.

I just keep telling myself that by this winter I will have one super awesome job and benefits and this 3 job rotation is temporary until my Americorps gig runs out. Maybe I'll go back to grad school *shudder*

I've had a lot of good visits home lately. Mom and I went to see Chicago, the musical when it came to town. And we also had some quality time in front of the tube. We watched "Shut up and Sing" and Casino Royale. Loved the documentary but kinda ehhhh on Bond. He was hot but Bond is just not my cup of tea. I'm glad I saw it but don't think I'd need to see it again. Stuff can only blow up for so long until you just feel like yelling, "HEY! Quit ruining everyone's day!"

I've been thinking a lot lately about my penguin obsession. I currently own
- Penguin stuffed animals (7)
- Penguin sheets/pillowcases (2 sets)
- Penguin socks (3)
- Penguin underwear (blush)
- Penguin pajamas (2 sets)
- Penguin plates (2)
- Penguin coffee mugs (2)
- Penguin calendars (3, one in each room of the apartment)
- a penguin icecream scoop
- t-shirts featuring penguins (2)
- AND I have seen March of the Penguins, FARCE of the penguins AND Happy Feet.

Do I have a problem? Maybe I should take photos and post them so you can better judge my ... er... "hobby."

I have two netflix movies "Shopgirl" and "Whale Rider" at home right now but I'm trying to watch every Buffy episode from start to finish and am currently on season 3 in the middle of a very good story-line. I love Buffy, I wonder how long this will take me. I started in January and there are about 22 episodes per season *only 12 in the first one* and they episodes are about 45 minutes long. There are seven seasons so that works out to.... I F*$#&in hate math.

The weather is taking a turn for the better so soon I may be doing a lot less movie watching and spending time outside. Tonight Tyler made brats and we sat on the deck to eat them. I needed a blanket but it was still nice.

I miss my friends and wish I had a big vacation or SOMETHING on the horizon.

PS

I added a movie to my netflix queue called "fuck" -- actually netflix lists it as "F**K" but it's a documentary on the history of the word, people who love it, and people who hate it. I can't believe I have a movie coming called "Fuck." I read a review on imdb that it was actually kinda funny. I am excited to see it. According to IMDB "The word 'fuck' and its variations are used 857 times throughout this 90 minute documentary, making an average 8.88 f-words a minute."



Another unlucky thing that happened to me...

On Monday I'm walking into the apartment building juggling a bunch of stuff and trying to get the mail. Then I'm trying to open the security door, when I noticed this snot-nosed little boy staring at me. He was just watching me struggle with the door.

When I finally got through the door he says, "Hey...hey.. I know you. You live in 207. My mom and I live in 107. You're really loud and annoying. You stomp wherever you go."

I had one of those movie like hallucinations where I grabbed him by the shirt collar and pitched him over the stairs, but quickly came back to reality.

"Sorry," I told him. "We don't have company over. So we'll try and walk quieter from now on."

These are the people who likely called in the noise violation on us when he had TWO people over and were playing charades. I actually wrote them an apology and invited them to call me (gave 'em my #) if we were ever loud again. If they ever call now, I may threaten to burry their brat in a snowbank.

Unlucky

The world is unfair.

My favorite show, Veronica Mars is not going to air for another 8 weeks because the CW network (bunch of whores that they are) is replacing it with "In search of the next Doll" -- a reality show about finding the next pussycat doll.

That's fabulous. Take a hit show, with cult following featuring great script and brilliantly feminist, Veronica and replace it with "Search for the next doll" -- which producers are claiming is empowering. Ugh, they make me ill.

Tyler is home sick today. I'm trying to help without catching the plague or whatever it is he has. You know it's bad if it can keep him home from work. He's one of those "I'm never sick" guys.

I have to speak to Juvies later on today. It's part of my internship outreach work. I really like talking to kids but I'm still new enough to feel pretty intimidated. Besides, I was on the knowledge masters team in high school, not like I can really relate to these kids' life choices or anything. Hope they don't run me out of there.

Weirdest phone call I made today.... I just called an scheduled an abortion for myself. I'm getting it this week. Okay, not really at all. But as part of training for clinic work I have to go through "a day as a patient" -- the whole thing, the forms, the tests, ultrasound, group session, individual review, meeting the doctor, feet in stirrups and even miming the procedure. I shouldn't be nervous, it's just an excercise but it feels scary. When I scheduled they asked if they could call my cell, I said yes, asked if anyone else might pick up, and I said Tyler would. Asked if that would be a problem and my mind wad suddenly sad as I said, "yes he knows." So glad I'm not really in this situation. I am starting to see how this will really help me understand where these women are.

*sigh* This will make walking by protesters all the more fun.

Time to go check on the patient again.

Rut

I think it's this weather. It's biblical the amount of snow. It's been falling in huge flakes for days on end. Doesn't the sky ever need to, I dunno, STOP!? Where is all the moisture coming from? It can't just precipitate forever can it? AH! Where is Davey with a weather report for me? I turn on the news but I don't like what it says so I end up just turning it off and cursing loudly.

The weather has thwarted my attempts at earning a living. I was cut immediately last night from RL-- with that kind of weather ownage, no one wanted to venture out for seafood. Today I got sent home within an hour from the clinic. We have to fly a doctor in from the Cities and no pilot was willing to make a go of it. Felt bad for all the women-- they kind of just want to get this stuff over with.

So now I'm back home hiding in sweatpants drinking tea and trying to make something out of my lost day (conveniently overlooking taxes, housework and all other responsible things).

I'm in a rut. I have a great roommate, I'm in good health and I'm certainly busy with three jobs but I feel so uneasy. Perhaps I have acquired secondary trauma-- we talked about it in crisis line training the other day. I'm dealing with some very heavy subjects after all. But that doesn't seem right. I mean, I WANTED to work in these situations.

It very well could be the weather. It's been gray and snowy and slippery and gross for months and months now and I am over it.

It could be general discomfort at being done with school and trying to handle life after college and all sorts of crippling decisions (what happens after this 9 month internship-- what do you want out of life?) etc etc blah blah.

Anyway, I find that I don't sleep so well. I doze but I'm constantly dreaming and waking up.

Mild Depression has set in. I find myself mercilessly unmotivated and tired all the time. I have horrible nagging fears in my head telling me that I'm failing, that I'm going to break down. I hate those voices. They are bitches.

Thank God for friends. Every night I get to come home to Tyler who always has a smile and tries to make me laugh. Mom is a phone call away and can always pep me up. But it's not enough. I want to pep myself up. I can always tell when I'm slipping into depression because I can't seem to get MYSELF out of anything. I feel helpless or worthless, whereas before I'd just look myself in the mirror, mentally kick my ass and go about my day. Now I avoid mirrors because I don't want to look myself in the eye.

It really quite possibly is the work. This Saturday is my first night on call. I'm terrified. I could end up in the ER with a rape victim, or talking to a woman after a beating. How can I help them when I can't help myself? I've watched so many training videos and listened to so many calls that I find myself having weird flashes during the day. I was walking downtown today and there was a scary-looking homeless man approaching me. It was an alleyway and there was a deserted doorway to my right. All of a sudden, I started to breath really fast. I imagined this man suddenly lunging at me and pushing me into that doorway and attacking me. My heart was pounding so fast and then… I slipped in the snow. The homeless dude looked at me and said, “careful little lady.” I felt immediately ridiculous. But you hear about this shit all the time and suddenly you feel on the brink of victimization at all times.

I hate pulling into my garage at night because I’m afraid someone will sneak in behind me, shut the door and put a gun to my head. It’s stupid. In all likelihood, I’ll be attacked by someone I know and trust ---—cheery thought huh?


Anyway...

Latest Netflix movies and my reviews

Marie Antoinette 4 stars
Mad Hot Ballroom 3 stars

Next movie: October Sky


And tonight, if I can stomach the weather, I’m going to shake things up further by venturing out to the historic Fargo Theater to see “The Queen”.

Wish me luck with my mood elevators :)

Lindsay Mac

I featured her in my last post and found then found this video of her on You Tube.

She's so awesome. And this is the best way for you to see how she plays her cello.



and