Ambition

It's nearing the end of May and the trees here are just getting their first buds. I am so excited. Everyone is. I think Tyler and I had five separate conversations yesterday that revolved around leaves and when they'll be blooming. It's slightly pathetic but I don't care.

You know what? Life is good.

I'm in a wonderful relationship, I'm healthy and I live in a safe place. Sometimes, when I read about what's happening in the world I just cannot fathom how freaking lucky I am. That's not to say I don't have problems, but in the grand scheme of things that could be going down-- I don't think I'd trade my situation with anyone.

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One of my coworkers sent around some articles about work/ambition etc. I enjoyed them because I'm in a weird place work-wise. I have a good job in that it pays bills, I'm not miserable and I work with nice people. But this isn't what I want and every day I am here and not on a "career-path" I feel sort of melancholy or failure-like. The article is called "The Ups and Downs of Ambition" and it really spoke to me:

Helplessness allows us to shun responsibility for the choices we make and the frustrations we encounter. We blame circumstances, fate, or other people, giving ourselves excuses for copping out. But nowhere is it written that everything must be easy or that others are the cause of our difficulties. Refusing to capitulate to helplessness allows us to accomplish the enduring goals we have for ourselves—and we mobilize the positive energy known as ambition.

I've been really down on myself recently. I applied for a writing job and kinda had the equivalent of a verbal smackdown. "Sorry you're not qualified enough, not good enough, not enough experience" etc.

I have been moping a lot. And I need to get over it. I think it's time to me to really face my future and find my passion again. Do I want to go back to grad school, do I want to write for a living? It's time to take some ownership of my destiny.

The article had some good examples:

Make A List: If a goal seems unreachable, first describe it as objectively as possible to yourself. Write down a list of its advantages and disadvantages (a hedonic calculus).

Don't globalize: See that getting down about getting down is a second-order trap. Helplessness results from taking any defeat too seriously—and generalizing it to your entire existence.

Know Your Tendencies: Accept the existence of an involuntary all-or-nothing defeat strategy as a legacy from evolution—without giving in to it.

Seize the Challenge: See frustration as the way to keep getting stronger, rather than as something that has to bring you down.

Take the Long View: Defeats are usually temporary and their effects short-lived. The battle is not the war.

I think my list will include finally calling some grad school people and having face-to-face meetings to talk options. I need to check on job listings more often and tell myself "I am going somewhere" instead of letting myself wallow in the "What if I don't" fear.

This shouldn't be difficult. I'm easy to please. I don't require fame and fortune. I just want a job where I can grow and be proud of my work and also a place where I don't have to make any more spreadsheets (well maybe one or two but not daily like now).

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In lighter news, the much anticipated (anticipated by me) softball match-up of my team vs. Tyler's team finally went down. Sadly, I was all talk and not enough action. My team lost which means I had to pay for a fancy dinner at Granite City. However, we have a rematch in June and I plan on some payback.

I still can't believe how much I like softball, although I need to like it a little-less enthusiastically because I couldn't walk right for 4 days. Big shocker-- when you move like the Tin Man in Wizard of Oz, people look at you funny.

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Yesterday I went to Target and bought a swimsuit (cute huh?) and it wasn't the usual horrendous process it normally is -- this leads me to wonder if someone is slipping me anti-depressants.

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In news that could have been tragic, but ended up funny, a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and got into an accident. The truck spilled 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos all over the road and backed up traffic outside of Chicago. Is that crazy or what? I think I'd pull over, run to a 7-11 and get a gallon of milk and just dig in :)