December?

Um, when did this happen?

December?

EXCUSE ME?

*sigh*

Well, my blogging has certainly suffered lately but real life has been great so I can't complain. We have the church and reception hall booked and I bought THE DRESS. So I feel like I have a good grip on the wedding end of things. So far I'm having fun planning. I figure there will be meltdowns but I'm hoping to keep a fairly level head.

Last night Tyler and I decorated our tree. It's the second year in a row that we've splurged and gone for a real one. Words cannot describe how happy Christmas trees make me. As I got ready for work this morning, I had to turn the lights on and play my Bette Midler Christmas CD. I admit that when I was little Christmas was all about the presents. Now I could really care less. Don't get me wrong, I love getting gifts and I love buying them for people in my life, but that part is less fun than the just getting home and seeing the people I care about. I'd probably be way more excited about gifts if I actually had some money to spend on them.

We're not going to talk about money right now though because money stresses me out.

Between holidays, wedding plans and everything else, I am ALSO starting a new job on Monday. TA DA!!! It only took me 2 years past college but I finally got a FULL-TIME job that I'm excited about and that's in my field. I'll be doing event-planning/marketing and sales stuff. So basically micro-managing, obsessing and organizing... in other words, I should rock at it.

But the coolest thing I'm doing right now (bu far) is dance class. It's really hard work but I'm having an absolute blast. I've tried learning ballroom dance in college and never felt like it was clicking-- I see now that's because I never had a really great teacher. The man who's teaching us, Victor Gelking is wonderful! He is perfect for beginners and really fun. I would recommend people go just for the fun stories he tells about his life --travelling the world, dancing and flying planes in World War II. Seriously, he's in his 80s and can move better than me!

I must leave you now :( but before I go... some Disney for the day!


Happy Holidays!

What the chef had in store :)

Read the last post first and then make sure you click to view all individual pictures :)

Make a Smilebox postcard

Rut

I'm in a rut. Nothing serious or anything. It's not like I'm unhappy. I'm just in a rut. Every day the weather is rainy/stormy. Every Wednesday I play softball. Every day I sit at my desk and think to myself, "lame lame lame lame lame."

I have been applying for little things here and there again. I hate that change makes me so anxious - even when I'm clearly in the wrong job, I'm reluctant to change. See cause... I know exactly what to expect from my life here. I know the people I work with (I even like most of them!) and I know what I can get away with (blogging while it's slow, for instance) so the idea of a new place, new people and new set of rules doesn't so much excite me as it does terrify me.

How weak is that? I need to quit being so scared. I need to get out of a rut and find my passion. But as long as we're complaining... I just need to vent that I HATE job applications. With a burning passion. I feel incredibly uncomfortable pointing out whatever positive attribute I might have. Is that a German thing? We're just more comfortable criticizing ourselves? Maybe it's a woman thing? Like, girls shouldn't toot their own horns so much, it makes 'em look arrogant or snobby. Guys seem self-assured, girls seem like stuck-up beyotches.

I hope not, cause I'm applying for something that I really, REALLY want a shot at. I'm too nervous to even discuss it here for fear I might jinx it. I just ask that you send good thoughts my way. I think the Universe could throw me a bone on this one because I've been in a weird holding pattern since college graduation and I'd like a wacky, crazy, scare-the-shit out of myself opportunity to come my way. It'd be good for me.

In more laid back news, my mom came by this weekend. I took her to Sex and the City, which she LOVED (she even blogged about it). I figured she'd point out the bad character decisions and get hung up on them. Instead we had a lot of fun. The movie even held her attention for 2+ hours (and my mother has a self-admitted case of adult ADD). We must have caught the shopping bug from the movie, because then we blew way too much money at the mall and Barnes & Noble *they had their buy 2 DVDs get the 3rd free sale* I also finally got flowers for my balcony pots. It's nice to see greenery again. When they re-bloom (mom made me pinch them all back) I will take pictures.

16 days until the movie Wall E comes out! (I've been pumped since March)
36 days until Spence and I have our "VEGAS BABY!" trip
?? days until I find out if I got my shot at something crazy and new

Wish me luck and I wish you a rut-less, exciting existance!

Ambition

It's nearing the end of May and the trees here are just getting their first buds. I am so excited. Everyone is. I think Tyler and I had five separate conversations yesterday that revolved around leaves and when they'll be blooming. It's slightly pathetic but I don't care.

You know what? Life is good.

I'm in a wonderful relationship, I'm healthy and I live in a safe place. Sometimes, when I read about what's happening in the world I just cannot fathom how freaking lucky I am. That's not to say I don't have problems, but in the grand scheme of things that could be going down-- I don't think I'd trade my situation with anyone.

***

One of my coworkers sent around some articles about work/ambition etc. I enjoyed them because I'm in a weird place work-wise. I have a good job in that it pays bills, I'm not miserable and I work with nice people. But this isn't what I want and every day I am here and not on a "career-path" I feel sort of melancholy or failure-like. The article is called "The Ups and Downs of Ambition" and it really spoke to me:

Helplessness allows us to shun responsibility for the choices we make and the frustrations we encounter. We blame circumstances, fate, or other people, giving ourselves excuses for copping out. But nowhere is it written that everything must be easy or that others are the cause of our difficulties. Refusing to capitulate to helplessness allows us to accomplish the enduring goals we have for ourselves—and we mobilize the positive energy known as ambition.

I've been really down on myself recently. I applied for a writing job and kinda had the equivalent of a verbal smackdown. "Sorry you're not qualified enough, not good enough, not enough experience" etc.

I have been moping a lot. And I need to get over it. I think it's time to me to really face my future and find my passion again. Do I want to go back to grad school, do I want to write for a living? It's time to take some ownership of my destiny.

The article had some good examples:

Make A List: If a goal seems unreachable, first describe it as objectively as possible to yourself. Write down a list of its advantages and disadvantages (a hedonic calculus).

Don't globalize: See that getting down about getting down is a second-order trap. Helplessness results from taking any defeat too seriously—and generalizing it to your entire existence.

Know Your Tendencies: Accept the existence of an involuntary all-or-nothing defeat strategy as a legacy from evolution—without giving in to it.

Seize the Challenge: See frustration as the way to keep getting stronger, rather than as something that has to bring you down.

Take the Long View: Defeats are usually temporary and their effects short-lived. The battle is not the war.

I think my list will include finally calling some grad school people and having face-to-face meetings to talk options. I need to check on job listings more often and tell myself "I am going somewhere" instead of letting myself wallow in the "What if I don't" fear.

This shouldn't be difficult. I'm easy to please. I don't require fame and fortune. I just want a job where I can grow and be proud of my work and also a place where I don't have to make any more spreadsheets (well maybe one or two but not daily like now).

***

In lighter news, the much anticipated (anticipated by me) softball match-up of my team vs. Tyler's team finally went down. Sadly, I was all talk and not enough action. My team lost which means I had to pay for a fancy dinner at Granite City. However, we have a rematch in June and I plan on some payback.

I still can't believe how much I like softball, although I need to like it a little-less enthusiastically because I couldn't walk right for 4 days. Big shocker-- when you move like the Tin Man in Wizard of Oz, people look at you funny.

***

Yesterday I went to Target and bought a swimsuit (cute huh?) and it wasn't the usual horrendous process it normally is -- this leads me to wonder if someone is slipping me anti-depressants.

***

In news that could have been tragic, but ended up funny, a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and got into an accident. The truck spilled 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos all over the road and backed up traffic outside of Chicago. Is that crazy or what? I think I'd pull over, run to a 7-11 and get a gallon of milk and just dig in :)

Video game nostalgia

This was my FAVE back in the day... I miss it :)

Jingle Bells

The snow has hit the ground. It's Christmas. In my mind at least. Snow = Christmas. That's the only way I can convince myself that this 10 below is worth it... funny thing is, it's going to get so much colder. **SIGH** Ah well.

I have been listening to pretty holiday music, some traditional, some not. These two songs are some of my favorite on a mix CD I bought:





BIG NEWS: We bought our first tree together-- it smells delightful!!


(the happy family)

lights displayed


and again..


Holiday love to all....

Sad for the Day

I called 9-1-1 tonight. And when they picked up and said "9-1-1 Emergency," I seriously almost peed my pants.

Balls.

You see -- I'm an on-call advocate for a crisis line. Tonight I got a call from someone who said they were "gonna slit their wrists." When that happens you try and "contract" with them. You say something like, "Can you promise me that you will be safe and take care of yourself until tomorrow when we can see you at our office?"

She said no.

So I had to call 911.
And she was a minor.
And that probably means they hauled her off to juvie.
Which I bet is really helpful--- not.

I feel useless.

Uneasy about opportunities

So I made the pumpkin seeds--- they turned out badly. I don't think I made them wrong. They were all golden brown and crispy but I just didn't care for them. So now I have all these seeds. I keep trying to give them to Tyler to "take to work." He keeps resisting. I think they may go in the trash. It's too bad. I was all excited. If you're in the area and want seeds, I have a big batch. Some were roasted in cinnamon and sugar, others with salt and a pinch of garlic. Oh well. At least our pumpkins turned out all cute.

Be advised that I am blogging under the influence of several glasses of champagne so this could be funny. I bought a bottle of champagne a few days ago because I decided I WOULD be getting a job offer (and soon DAMN IT). Apparently all you need is liquor in your fridge. Cause I had the bottle and then the offers rolled in. I am a little conflicted.

What would you choose?

JOB A: It's in a field that you've always enjoyed and felt you excelled in. You've worked with this "boss" for months already and you know she's cool and you like her style. However, this job is part-time to start, no benefits and no guarantee that it'll eventually be full time.

JOB B: Full time, benefits, paid vacation, 401k, opportunity to grow in the company, seems like a cool place, cool people. Starting as a receptionist making 50 cents/hr LESS than Job A.

I think I gotta do Job B, at least for a little while.... but I seriously hate decisions.

I spent over $60 today on a dutch oven. Totally worth it. Made amazing pork chops. I am rather obsessed with learning how to cook. This is why I need a full-time job. I'm blowing perfectly good shoe money on dutch ovens. 24 hours ago I didn't even know what the f*** a dutch oven was.

It's amazing that two days from now it's Halloween. I used to love that holiday but now that I'm not in college there isn't much in the way of partying to be done. I don't even know what I'd dress up as. I DO KNOW what I would NOT dress my daughter as..... any of these:




Sick. Those are marketed to "child to tween girls" -- BLECH.

Okay-- must go, weird thing just happened. Knock on our door at 11 pm and it was a cop! I was like --- what did I DO!? Apparently there was a 911 hang-up in our building. Scary! I hope no one is hurt.

My life without employment...

In many ways its cool. I can sleep in, take walks in the middle of the day, print off recipes from the internet and act like I'm gonna learn how to cook (someday... someday). I also get to do lots of odd jobs. This weekend I went to Crookston to help my friend/hair stylist. She and her husband are moving into a farmhouse that needs a lot of work. I felt like I was part of an HGTV special. I actually learned how to make a floor! HA! This weekend I made a floor, what did you do?

Sorry, I'm weirdly proud of my accomplishment. We painted every room in the house, including ceilings, ripped out carpet for new hardwood floors--- it was a big job. I'm actually still sore.

Perhaps I went about college the wrong way, I should have gone to a tech school to be a carpenter. It's fun, hard work and since a lot of people don't want to deal with it you can make serious money! For example, this is the first three advertised jobs in the Forum today...



lame. I totally went to school for the wrong thing. I could be putting floors in right now and making bank.

Tyler and I are getting ready for Halloween. We carved the pumpkins we obtained from the patch.


So strong!


Oh no, I cut off his head


And now I mercilessly gut him


And during the carving we watched Land Before Time -- ah the childhood memories


The family of pumpkins -- ahhh the love
*the one with the glasses is supposed to be me, the shorter one is Tyler*
:0)


Spooky


Ahh the romance of dismembering gourds

I saved a bunch of pumpkin seeds and now I need an online recipe on how to roast them. How about that, a recipe I may actually use.

One last thing... Usually I do Disney clips but this week my clip is animated but not the disney variety. In honor of the video we watched last night, and how much I love Spike... here you go.

Scary nostalgia of the day

Ugh. Games for little girls frighten me.

I'm ready to get married

I realized it this morning when Tyler brought me breakfast in bed.

Pancakes AND eggs-over-easy AND a big glass of orange juice.

That's true love, folks.



My future husband and me
:0)

I'm officially old

Tyler and I flipped on MTV to catch the VMAs. Our attitude was "ahhh, why not?" But we were in for a shock.

Turns out... I got old. Yep, I saw the writing on the wall as I watched this show. First of all-- too many flashing lights/colors and quick cuts of the camera. Tyler muttered something about 'inducing seizures.' Then there were all the musical "artists" (and I think we know I use that term loosely) who neither Tyler or I had heard of before.

But watching Britney Spears was most painful. I felt sorry for the woman. She looked completely uncomfortable writhing around, crotch-grabbing in her sequin-bra and panties. Read a great description of it here.



Perhaps I'm giving Britney too much credit, but I could almost see her thinking, "What the hell am I doing? How is this making me look good?"

Seriously. I honestly feel bad for Britney Spears. She's just the trainwreck everyone likes to take pot shots at-- like Sarah Silverman-- who said after she left the stage, "she accomplished everything she'll ever accomplish by the age of 25." And then went on to make a crude comment about her vagina. Earth to Sarah Silverman, you are awkward and not funny. Not that I'm a Britney fan, I just really dislike Sarah Silverman.

Before I turn off this garbage, I must say one thing DID make me laugh-- the girls from "the Hills" reality TV show presented Justin Timberlake with an award and his comment was, "MTV, play more videos, we're tired of these bad reality programs."

HA!

Wedding Season

Apparently the seasons of my life are as follows: Fall, Winter, Spring and WEDDING. But I won't complain, I love 'em. Tyler and I went to the cities back in July to watch his aunt get married. She had a fairy-tale wedding at the St. Paul hotel which was AWESOME. I have been meaning to post pics for some time because the event was super sweet.



The hotel was very pretty. A man in a top hat parked our car and carried all our bags. I felt a little lame because my purse had cupcakes on it and I had a WalMart bag full of fruit (classy, huh?). But we enjoyed ourselves at the wedding. For one --- the food rocked! I had sushi, scallops and other things that I don't even know what they were but they they were good. I like food a lot :)



I want to know if it's normal to start planning your own wedding in your head when you're not um... engaged? Is this a girl thing or a 'me' thing or a just plain weird thing? All of the above? I think it's becaus I've had so much fun planning Laura's shower and following her through her plans-- it becomes impossible not to start thinking of how your own special day would go down.

I've also been watching this new show on VH1 called 'My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding' where they follow people who spend half a million dollars on their wedding. It's insane in the membrane. My mother was commenting on how wasteful that is and I sort of agree but I have to admit, it would ROCK to be invited to a party like that.

In news of the regular variety--- I'm still job hunting, which is bumming me out. Americorps ends in one month and then I need new plans. I feel 2007 already slipping away from me-- the days are getting shorter and the nights colder. It already feels more like fall. It's amazing and terribly uncomfortable when you realize how much a year changes things.

Movie of the week: Tristan + Isolde --click to read movie review -- Laura and I watched it last night and I really loved it.

Oh the memories

Free Online Dating

Dear Joel, Tom, Christy, David, Laura, Jim & all others I annoyed in Mr. Palmer's science class,

Question #15 made me think of all of you. Remember the day that I refused to accept this idea?

Here is the question:

The color of a pure red rose in white sunlight is a result of the fact that:
a) The rose absorbs red light only.
b) The rose absorbs all white light.
c) The rose reflects only red light.
d) The rose reflects all light except red.

HA! Anyone recall the day when I challenged this theory? I was like, "nope, nope, nope-- don't believe it." Well all that drama paid off. Cause when I got to this question I knew exactly what answer they wanted...

....
...
...

Still think it's a load of crap though

:)

Whodathunk?

Wow. My first job outta college is nothing like I would have imagined.

For one, my first stop today was at a porn shop (they are kind enough to let us use their free customer parking rather than a pay-to-park downtown lot). It's odd being in a porn shop at 8 am but even odder when they are so polite and professional. Not that I expect porn shop workers to be gross but it's so weird to get that kind of treatment when you're surounded by dildos.

Next, I spent all day in the most serious of situations... a small room with woman after woman-- all who were about to have abortions.

"Nervous" does not begin to describe my emotions. But really, my job was only to watch. I will be a patient advocate eventually but for now I am training. My job will be taking vitals like blood pressure, temp and then going over the logistics of the abortion. But also I have to ask "How do you feel about being here?" "Do you have a support system today?" And be the word of authority on whether or not this woman (or sometimes, girl) is sent down to the O.R.

Most women today were very calm and collected about their decisions. For some it wasn't their first time having the procedure. Many others, most my age, seemed nervous but thankful to be there. Only two cried.

Every woman got birth control prescriptions, counseling and a lot of great information but I couldn't help wanting to leave with all of them and make sure everything went okay later on too. But I can't "save" anyone from pain, I can only try and make sure they know they are safe, respected and cared for while they are with me. Which is only for 15 minutes.

It's frustrating because seeing all these women who needed us and were so thankful for the option just makes me want to fight anti-choice legislation all the harder. One woman said, "I'd rather die than have this baby." I believe her. She wouldn't be the first one.

My last girl kept crying. She said, "I can't make up my mind. Neither can my boyfriend. But we drove for hours to get here today!"

I told her that she shouldnt' base this type of decision on how long her drive was. She wasn't that far along. She had more time to think it over so it didn't have to be now or never. She left with some information and decided against it "for now." When she walked towarded her boyfriend, sheepish and teary eyed, he rose to embrace her and I thought *(though maybe it was my imagination) that he looked relieved. Maybe he's just very supportive.

Either way, I found myself secretly happy for her. Not because I think abortion is wrong but because I know it would have been wrong for her today. And I know that if she changes her mind she has the choice, the right and a safe environment.

This is likely the last time I will talk about this job on "this" blog, due to the controversial nature of the choice debate.

However, I just wanted to let you know that I have my first post-college job and I couldn't be more proud of it. I just hope I'm woman enough to handle the emotional strain. Especially since my training will eventually take me down to the O.R. to be with the woman DURING the procedure. That is making me nervous... but we'll see, I want to be a hand they can hold...

Frick

This part of my life is really exhausting and I think I'm starting to have physical symptoms that reflect this. Seriously, I've had a headache for 36 hours. It sucks.

I realize I'm lucky. I'm living with Tyler, we have a beautiful apartment but I am so lost. It's like I feel like I'm in a hotel or something.

We have 800 DVDs to watch and I have a stack of great books to read but I just seem to wander through the place aimlessly confused and uncomfortable.

Tomorrow I start work and I should be excited. I'm scared though and I feel really lost and weird. I'm not in school and I have no career and..... frick!

I think a lot of this anxiety would go away if my head quit hurting.