Un-motivation. It can be deadly

Okay, technically this picture is me in a hotel room in Canada, but I feel it best represents my mood right now.... just sort of flopped on my bed, half asleep and useless to the world. I wasn't always like this you know. There was a time when I was pretty good about accomplishing things. Now I'm hardly able to feed myself.

Not too long ago I was a functioning member of society. I did a lot of fun stuff.

Here's a list to show you how cool I am (was):

When I was more fun I...

- Attended a comedian at UND's loading dock. Christian Finnegan, you may know him from VH1's "best week ever" or Chapelle's Show. So hilarious. It's fun to laugh.

-Booked plane tickets to Palm Springs for mama and me. We are off to visit my auntie June & we got a great deal on tickets!

- Went to see someone named Daryl Davis speak at UND. He is a black man who conducted interviews with members of the Ku Klux Klan. He forged friendships with many of them, causing them to renouce their violent, prejudice ways-- hearing him speak gave me hope for peace on earth -- something that seems impossible these days.

- Took mama to see a gospel choir from the twin cities- beautiful music with an uplifting message- we went through many tissues.

-Went to UND lecture that featured women graduates from school of business. Very interesting. Their topic was 'how to avoid burning out when we have so much to do.' Who can't relate to that!?

-Contributed lots o' stuff to our church rumage sale to help the folks going on the Honduras mission trip. My roommate, Heather surprised me by buying me a "gift" --- it turned out to be a shirt I had donated.

- Took a vacation over President's day. I went to Winnipeg to enjoy some R&R at a hotel/spa!

- Did some homework here and there. When forced....

See, I do fun things! I do important things! I get homework done! But not today... Today I am the biggest pile of crap ever.

I do have a paper due tomorrow so I will HAVE to do something. Besides, I'm blogging now and that's a quasi-accomplishment.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will see the return of the old Emily. Maybe I won't save the world, but at least I'll put on some makeup and get out of my P.J's!!!

News of me! V-Day edition

Happy Valentine's Day!

I have nothing special planned-- perhaps I will wear something red. Whoopie! I am hoping to take my mom out to lunch and then go to dinner with my dear friend Amanda. I might see Tyler later. We're too nerdy for words. We spent quality time together this weekend watching "Fellowship of the Ring" -- now I have to watch "The Two Towers" --- cause you know, I gotta see what happens to Frodo :)

School is still okay. I guess have control of it... much like the way Dick Cheney has control of his hunting rifle.... bad joke sorry. But really, it’s true. I sorta have control but in a fake way, like any minute I'm gonna shoot someone in the face. I should be studying not blogging.

I am completely ignoring the Olympics-- as usual. I hate this time of year. Everyone is talking about them and I could really care less. I dislike sports normally so what's the big if sports are on 24/7 and the athletes are from all over? It might be fun to see in person but I don’t watch sports on TV…. it’s just not my bag. I did enjoy the movie “Miracle” though-- I guess that's kinda Olympic-ie.

Today a guy in class told me I was fun and had “a big light.” It’s made me smile for the rest of the day. My mom tells me I have a “light” all the time—it was so cool to hear it from someone else. It reminds me to compliment people more. People need to feel good about themselves.

The person who lives above me is either bowling or having intimate relations of some kind. Either way it sounds no fun.

I have a huge to-do list for tomorrow. I am determined to get to a travel agency and try and find tickets to Palm Springs where I will visit my aunt over spring break. I have officially given up on trying to find them myself. According to the Northwest website... if I book without discounts it is nearly $1,000. If I book with a coupon-- it's $1300+ SAY WHAT?

I hate flying.

This Sunday I go to Winnipeg. I am excited to get away. Hope the Canadians don't mind that I'm invading. I plan on spending some funky colored Canadian currency. Hooray!

We're reading Starship Troopers in my Sci-Fi class. I don't think I much care for the ideology behind the book. In it, only people who have served in the military can have citizenship and vote. Um yeah-- I get it, military= civic duty but many other professions offer experiences in serving one’s country and community. Grrrr.

I cleaned my desk today and found construction paper-- made me want to do an art... or a craft.Why do so many cool people I know live far away? It’s sad because I have no money and I hate flying…Last Friday I saw "Something New" -- good romantic comedy/date movie. I would recommend it. The leading man, Simon Baker is my new boyfriend on the side (shhhh, don't tell Tyler, or Simon's wife... who lives in Australia)...

I should get sleepy sleep.

Thanks for stopping bye!
xoxo
~Em

Memory Lane: Jobs

Well, it's tax time again. After my fifth W2 showed up, I began to realize-- I've had a lot of jobs this year! And it got me thinking about the worst jobs I've had, and also the best. And with graduation in December, it also got me thinking about jobs I'd really want.....

Top 3 worst jobs

1. The knife whore job--- Selling knives. Not only was I supposed to hit up friends and family, I was supposed to get them to purchase $800 knive sets (um yeah okay). That job lasted two weeks before I realized, "Yeah, good product but I'm not comfortable being so pushy."

2. Hugo's Grocery-- believe it or not I still have nightmares that I'm late for work there. It was my first "real job" in high school. I remember standing for hours on end and being taunted by the smell of roasted chicken smell and fresh pastries. Then there was the joy of the coupon that refused to scan and trying to remember the fruit code for “papayas”—yeah, that was no fun.

3. Ecolab Pest Elimination- I was the girl you got when you called the 800 number. So many angry people bitching at me because they had cockroaches, bedbugs, termites, rats. I heard the sickest things ever-- EVER. You don't even want to know. And the worst call ever. The old man who called crying that he had rats in his basement and his kids didn't care and if I didn' t help him he was going to shoot himself. Ahhh- I need the suicide 800 number!

Top Three best jobs!

1. NDCAWS (N.D. council on abused women’s services) Took me to Bismarck for the summer. I met new people and had a my own office (gasp, just like a real person). I got to do research into sexual and domestic violence and I felt like what I was doing might actually make a difference. Every day I was inspired by the women around me and enraged at the injustice I came across. It’s what a job should be—always keeping you motivated and engaged and yet still fun.

2. Disc jockey. Working part time means I never have to see my boss in person, I show up in my pajamas and I do homework or read books when I’m not on air or on the phone. It’s lovely time alone (minus the music and annoying callers)

3. Free lance writer for marketing firm. I got a free press pass for any world junior hockey game I wanted and got to meet and interview all sorts of people. Sweetness.

Top 3 fantasy jobs

1. Let me take over for Larry King. Please, please, please! I would rule! I just know I would!

2. High school or Middle School Counselor- I honestly would love the opportunity to work with kids. I have thought about a masters in counseling. I think if trained, I would have a lot to offer troubled kids.

3. A lobbyist for reproductive rights- access to contraception, ending pharmacist refusal, real sex education and advocacy for women’s health in general

Random events of the past few days

About the pic:
My friend Leigh Ann and her cute boyfriend stopped by my apartment and brough this adorable dog (see above). I had lots of fun playing with her. I just wanted to inlcude that because it was certainly a nice point in my weekend to get a visit from such a cute dog. (Her name is Sneakers).

A look at the weekend
- I wrote a 7 page paper on Saturday. It took me all afternoon but I was determined to finish it by 8 pm so I could go out and party. I was very happy with it and even had my mom proofread it and tell me what she thought.

- At approxiametly 8:42 pm I did something wrong on my computer and my entire paper was deleted. GONE.

- 8:43 resulted in several crazy phone calls to Tyler and also friend David since they both know computers. They both confirmed that nothing was to be done... it was lost.

- 8:44 Curse angrily for several minutes

- 8:47 call mother and begin to cry

- 9:00 Back at mom's for re-write. She makes me tea and helps me remember some of the points from the original paper-- thank goodness for moms.

- 11:40 Paper is done... AGAIN

- 12:30 I'm at the bar. Friend buys me a "good for you" drink and I enjoy

- 12:50 I attempt to "bust a move"

- 1:45 am Last call and I've only had one drink-- oh well

- 2:00 am Tyler talks me into coming out for breakfast even though I'm practically asleep from exhaustion

- 3:00 am Eating at random truck stop where a very pregant lady serves me eggs benedict. I wanted to touch her tummy but thought that would be rude. She was cute. Also sat next to cops. They looked bored.

-4:40 am Hit the bed. Grateful to have survived the day

Now... I am out at work writing another paper-- this one only four pages so hopefully not bad and hopefully I'll only need to write this one ONCE :)

Miss you all!

Spiraling downward at rapid speeds...bad blog poetry

Bad day.

Big mess. Friend's wedding-- turns out to be same day of family trip.
Shit.
No matter what people angry. All my fault.
Should have asked for dates earlier.
Feel so annoyed and helpless.
Why is everyone so far away?

I'm one of those cars you see in the commericals.
In the factory going full speed into a big concrete wall
It hits-- POW--
the safety dummies wrench around violently but are fine
Only I'm not the dummy
I'm the car smashed to bits.

Big pile of useless crap. Can't be fixed.

So scandalous.
Spilling the soul in a blog.
It's like "accidentally" leaving your diary out
All can see.
The random anonymous posters who hate my liberal pro-choice bias,
and the friends
Wonder if they'll think I'm nuts?
random. Pointless.

Alone. Listening to Kelly Clarkson. "Because of You" - I've claimed it
My song.
It understands me

Wallowing in facts I cannot change.
Hating empty people and their un-attempts to change.

WAKE UP
GO TO BED


Start over tomorrow

Up late with my thoughts

I'm sitting here enjoying the feeling of a Friday night. That blissful feeling knowing that school does not start again until Monday and I don't work tomorrow until 2 pm. Life is good. I'm tooling around the net, checking out the blogs of friends, looking at my favorite websites and *sigh* cyber-shopping. Super dangerous that is. I just blew $50 on clothes I KNOW I don't need. It's just so devious. You log in to your favorite site and look at your wish list-- oh my, so much is now on clearance.

I am listening to Raffi sing "baby beluga"-- I guess I'm feeling nostalgic for being, like, 5 years old. It wasn't a bad age if I recall. I was too young to be jealous of the older kids, I didn't have romantic feelings for boys, and I liked my skip-it, jump rope and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a side of Mr. Rogers. I knew deep down that someone would always take care of me. Now life is so radically different. Dad called me a week ago to tell me, "Um, yeah, my insurance policy kicks you off when you turn 22 in April, so you might want to shop around for some health insurance."

I really miss being little sometimes.

School is going well. In the Sci-fi class we've read H.G. Wells, Arthur Clarke and we just watched "The Day the Earth Stood Still" which I really enjoyed. In my comedy class we read "Arsenic and Old Lace" and we're delving into these crazy Japanese "No" plays in my Drama class. Everything is new, fun, different. I manage to stay somewhat on top of homework and still find time to enjoy the small things.

I fell on the ice again. It hurt way more this time. When my knees first hit I was laughing because I had tried SO HARD to prevent the fall-- it was lots of spectacular twisting in mid-air, but to no avail. A lot of friends were around so I had a good laugh with them but then I had to do the 'turn away and swear silently/try not to cry' bit... the knees are black and blue today and look really freaky. I am so coordinated.

Sometimes I really think I need a pet. A puppy, but I've never had one so I don't know how to train it plus I'm never here. Maybe a cat-- nope, still allergic. I wish I could get a pet squirrel. But a genetically engineered one so it would curl in my lap like a kitten and let me pet it. It would also sit on my shoulder like a parrot and make little noises at people I didn't like and crawl up their leg and scare them. Yeah... a pet squirrel would rule.

For three days I was super stoked because I thought I was going to Italy. I found a course through UND that would sign me up this semester for photography and then in June I would fly to Italy for 2 weeks to take photographs and attend seminars, travel etc. I thought I could get a study abroad loan and the professor said she'd take me, but I realized I would miss weddings of two close friends as well as a family reunion so I set it aside... I guess Italy's not going anywhere but it's still kinda a downer.

N.D. has gotten majorly dumped on snow-wise lately. It looks like Christmas outside, big fluffy snow, people making snow men. Again.... if I were little, this would rock. However I am old and this is mostly an inconvenience as the only footwear acceptable for getting around campus is snow boots and it takes 20 minutes to brush off my car.

I decided I finally figured out my response to Brokeback Mountain. I think it's a great love story, good acting, very touching but I couldn't enjoy it because the idea of so much heartbreak-- on MANY different levels, not just between the romantic leads but also their wives-- was just too depressing. I saw "hoodwinked" tonight to clear the mind. It's a short, animated movie that has no heartache but rather talking animals and fun dance numbers. I enjoyed that thoroughly. It’s not Oscar fare but a fun escape… like I said, I feel nostalgic for being 5.

A few weeks ago I gave blood. I was so proud of myself because they put out a public call for A-positive and hey-- that's me. I felt so helpful! I was there late in the day and as the lady was prepping me she said, “You know how as it gets late in the day you feel so tired you almost feel drunk?” Yes, I do know that feeling. Please put the needle down….

Lately I feel like I'm constantly hungry. No matter what I eat. I really hope this will be over soon cause I can't keep going to the grocery store/out to eat. Plus I just bought jeans online and if they get here in 7-10 days and I've outgrown them, I'm gonna be pissed off.

It's nearly 3 am. I have been random enough. Ciao for now.