Things that bug me

Impending surgery. Um... yeah. Just anxiety all the time, not fun.

MTV has a new show "Yo Mamma" -- I hope I don't have to explain why it's so stupid. It's on all the time, and every time I channel surf by I just get annoyed and hear my grandma saying "TV is just mindless junk food."

Final papers that I sit down to write and mindless drivel comes out. Run on sentence and no point--- much?

Hockey being on CONSTANTLY. My boyfriend is a zombie.

People I stumble across on facebook. Some dude who has a very MEAN, anti-changing Sioux logo group. Except his spells it Souix. Lame dude. Learn to spell and then be a racist jerk-wad.

Rush Limbaugh escapes a trial... why just cause he's rich, white and has a radio show? This is the man who constatly rips on "black people for being worthless drug dealers"-- AND he's a DRUG ADDICT. He should be crucified-- media speaking, not icky torture wise.

Some mean vet told a family he was putting their dog to sleep, when he really just sedated it and gave it to someone else. MEAN!!!

Oh-- THAT'S what the deal is...

This is what I have become... sad, yes?


So I have figured out "the deal." And it involves a rather interesting story

Wednesday night I finally caved and went to the E.R. They told me I was likely having problems with my gallbladder. They gave me morphine—lovely by the way --- and told me to come back at…
~~~~~
9 am today—I have an ultrasound at the hospital. Very weird waiting for an ultrasound with both your parents and no wedding ring on your finger. I felt the need to scream “I’m not preggo!” at everyone who looked my way.

9:30 am – I have my first ultrasound. Very odd sensation. I get nervous as technician is clearly spending less time in the gallbladder region and more time in my lower abdomen. Not that I have any idea how to read an ultrasound but I was disturbed by the big dark spots on the screen.

11:30 am – I get the results of my test in the doctors office. “No Emily. Not a gallbladder problem.” Rather I have a massive growth around my left ovary—um what? And by massive, I mean 31 centimeters!

11:45 am – As doctor begins to ramble about “Girls my age shouldn’t worry because it’s a very small chance of being malignant” – start to stop listening, begin to panic.

12:00 pm – Go home numb and convinced I have cancer and freaked out.

12:30 – take my first 16 ounce dozes of chalky stuff in preparation for my CAT scan. Tastes very bad and chalky

1:30 -- next 16 ounces does not go down as well… does not go down at all. ‘Nough said.

2:30 – CAT scan. Very weird. Very 2001: Space Odyssey –esque. They make go through this big scary tube and an electronic voice said “Breathe in” “breathe out” – it’s not relaxing at all, in case you are wondering

4:30 pm I get phone call with results. Mass of cells is not very dark, indiciating it is not solid and cancerous but rather ovarian cysts.

HOORAY. Seriously, I still need surgery and that won’t be fun at all. But earlier today I wasn’t sure if I had cancer, and to be honest, I’ve never been so scared in my life. This sounds potentially nerdy but I don’t care. I learned today to take bodily pain seriously and be grateful ALWAYS for good health.

Also on the nerdy vein… I am terrified of surgery, especially when it’s needed to remove a cyst that is by all estimates at least 8 inches long. See picture for estimate. So if you’re not busy, perhaps you can pray for me? I don’t much care for hospitals, surgeries or cysts for that matter.

PS: In an effort to make me less nervous, friends have christened my cyst "Goliath" I will let you know when Goliath is no longer with us. Till then, stay cool, watch your ovaries.

What's the deal?

Do you ever spend too much time inside your own mind and get seriously worried?

I know I do.

Today for instance, I was sitting in class and not feeling well (more on that later) when the group that was leading the class said "Number off and make groups." Grrr. I don't want to number off! Whenever I number off I end up next to randoms and we're supposed to discuss stuff but instead they stare at me.

So we numbered off and as I was sitting there awaiting instruction, I just remember distinctly feeling like... um, yeah. No. So I got up, left class and went down to the computer lab, where I checked my e-mail and surfed the internet for awhile. I came back 20 minutes later when group work was done and I could enjoy class discussion again. But seriously-- why did I do that? It's so random! But I had absolutely no guilt; it was as if my brain shut off and my body took over under the command, "I have to get the hell out of here."

Truly bizarre.

But to be fair... the "not feeling well" I was experiencing is pretty gross. It's sharp shooting pains in my abdomen. I am contemplating going to the doctor but I have a huge fear that doctors are always secretly looking for ways to prod around on parts of your body you don't want them in. Anyway, I'm praying at some point I'll throw up and it's not an appendicitis or something serious. Either way, it's not fun. Every now and then I want to curl up in the fetal position and moan for awhile. Maybe it's stress??? But that doesn't make sense. I've been way more stressed than this before.

Last night Tyler and I took a walk around UND campus late at night. It was a gorgeous night and would have been perfect had I remembered my inhaler. Sometimes colder air is very bad for me and by the end of our walk I was wheezing like a sick cat. I remember thinking "spring is officially here" all the trees had buds that were opening-- ahh leaves! So pretty. I remember thinking to myself, as he and I passed under the UND eternal flame that this would be such a pretty spot to get engaged-- late at night, with all the big trees and the flame... then I actually thought about if Tyler proposed and ... come to think of it... that's when the shooting pain started. Just kidding. Not at all. But with so many folks getting married, it's hard not to think about it, it just scares me... that's all.

And now for a bit of true randomness. Every entry I usually like to have a picture. But no picture goes with this entry, so allow me to introduce you to a desert squirrel I met while in vacation in California. I named him Merle. He was very nice.

Back to regular stuff...I am currently listening to Wynonna Judd sing "Only love" I *heart* that song. I know I should get a jump on papers since they're all due soon but I feel like laying on my bed, listening to fun old tunes and taking a nap. It's really a brilliant idea. Maybe it'll make my phantom cramp/contraction/bursting appendix pains go away.

More later....

Birthday time

So I turned 22 this past weekend. And here is a pic of roomie and I celebrating!! Hooray, in another few years I can legally rent a car. It's very exciting. All jokes aside the weekend was glorious. Beautiful, sunny weather and lots of fun was had. My lovely roommate Heather and I (along with the help of her handy boyfriend) cleaned the apartment. Hardcore cleaning too, I'm talking moving the fridge to dust and everything. We hosted a fabulous dinner party in which Thai food and Better than sex cake was served. Very delightful if I do say so myself.

Problem is now I have al these leftovers appetizers like fruit and yummy fruit dip, shrimp, chips & sauce. What's a girl to do? I don't think I have to buy any more groceries until I move, which sadly is coming up sooner than I think I'm ready for. I have really enjoyed living with my roommates here but this May will be our last month together *tear* and I will finally be moving out into the real world alone. Well, real as student housing can be anyway. I am excited as this brings me ever closer to graduation in May. Perhaps we should give the apartment one final send off- host a bbq or something. That would be delightful I'm sure. At the moment, can't really imagine doing that as thoughts of final papers and tests are clouding all reasonable judgment.

It's very weird to recognize this time 4 years ago was the end of my high school career. Where will I be 4 years from now? Hopefully filthy rich sunning myself off the coast of southern france. But if I'm holding down a decent job around here and happy, that'll do as well :) And a bit more likely since getting me on a place to southern france would be hella difficult. Flying scary.

Summer job plans are still up in the air a bit. Likely not traveling back to Bizzo but taking some fun summer courses. So many weddings in town it'd be almost silly to leave. Very exciting stuff.

I shall try to remain more updated. School is mucho crazy but summer is almost here! Best wishes to all you guys!

Random mail, job offers and sunburns

It's been awhile since I've blogged and I can honestly say I miss it. The past few weeks have been crazy- I've hardly been home. I enjoyed a well-needed vacation with my Mother & Aunt in Palm Springs, California. It was delightful because I read two books and every night I sat in the hot tub under palm trees. It was gorgeous there... see for yourself. I know, I'm so lucky it's sick!


On our last day we visited "The Living Desert" which is an outdoor zoo. I saw these sweet giraffes. I wanted to run among them.


For most of the vacation I was diligent about applying sunscreen, however, that day I messed up. *Sigh* Unlike most people who come back from vacation looking golden and healthy, I came back looking like this....

And those hot white lines are not from a bikini or anything cool. They are from my nerdy tourist camera. Wow. I rock.

That in a nutshell was my vacation. After that came Easter and about a billion eggs. Eureka was hopping as usual. The baby my mom is holding was a riot to play with. His head smelled like chocolate. I liked him.


Now I'm back in the real world trying to get back into the school routine which means reading books not because they look interesting but because they are required.

Some interesting occurrences of the day:

- I got a piece of junk mail asking me to "scratch and win" -- I did and won a $2000 online shopping spree. No joke. RANDOM. I have yet to check out this site. Time will tell if the stuff I'm shopping for is that exciting. But still I was super stoked. I NEVER WIN THAT STUFF!

- I tore up my room looking for a floppy disk and found about 12. No computer in my apartment (mine or my roommates) has a floppy drive. I went to the boys upstairs to use theirs. But while I was there, they forced me to play a game of Quarters-- really they FORCED me :) I'm bad at quarters so in no time I was buzzed. I had to leave when one of the boys brought his pet snake out to the table. And after all that mess, NONE of those floppy had what I needed! Insert swearing here. When I came out of my room, three of the guys were peeing off the balcony... which means they were essentially peeing right in front of my sliding glass door. This upsets me and they KNOW this already (we've had long chats about it). I took my revenge by locking their sliding glass door and leaving them out there. Damn I'm good.

- My employer from last summer called and offered me a job. This is awesome and totally unexpected. This means another move to Bismarck but this time I have a friend who offered to let me live in her basement. Tempting offer... I will have to think about it.

Life is crazy. And to think all this happened the same day Katie Holmes gave birth-- that poor child. Having Tom Cruise for a dad is just bad luck...

Perspective.

UPDATE!!! AS OF APRIL 16. 2006

Check out this amazing story
CLICK HERE to hear Jason's voice and pictures!!!!!



This is the coolest guy ever. His name is Jason. I blogged about him before in January.

It was my one wish for 2006 that Jason could beat cancer. He was diagnosed his junior year in high school with a stage 4 brain tumor. He wasn't supposed to live one year. But he's made it more than three. Sadly this looks to be the end of his journey.

The cancer has returned, he has 12 spots of it on his brain, including one big tumor on the front of his brain. Another large tumor at the base of his spine and his entire spinal cord is "frosted" with more cancer.

His family took him home to be with friends and relatives. His endless rounds of radiation and chemo are done. It's a scary thing to say and I hate typing it. It sounds like giving up but it's not. It's brave and strong. Jason's mother told me he has days, perhaps weeks left. "Hopefully," she says, "he can go in his sleep."

While driving out to see the family, I was angry with God. "This is bullshit," I told him. "It would totally serve you right if I converted to Wicca." Why does God let us down? When we pray for miracles and believe in God's power? Why does God dissapoint us? I was boiling angry all the way there.

But as usual, Jason and his parents gave me a new perspective. His mom, Shelle kept saying "We are so blessed and we're leaving nothing left unsaid. We wish we had him longer but we will treasure every moment."

I wanted to tell Jason how beautiful I thought he was, inside and out. How he inspired me to find God in my life every single day and have faith every single day. Jason's example of never giving up, always living shows me to treasure life for its joys and not to fear pain, death and illness. Jason always lived. He just did it. Even when it hurt and people told him it was over. Even tonight. He sat at the table and ate puppy chow and smiled. I wanted to tell Jason I thought this was the crappiest thing ever because he was so cool and so cute and any girl would be so lucky to be his and he'd be a great parent someday and a fun co-worker. He could be a best friend to so many people. He should have had 80 more years. Mostly, I wanted to tell Jason how privileged I felt to meet him and get to know his family. I wanted him to know that I was scared of death but I didn't want him to be scared because there was so much love and faith that would guide him home.

But I can't say these things. #1 because I've only known Jason through the 2 stories I've written about him for Studio One and #2 because I just can't. I can't say the word "die." You're dying. You're 20 years old. Amazing. Young. Handsome. Fun and you're dying. It seems cruel and empty. I just gave him a hug and told him "You look good ... and I love you." Those are true words for sure and they are all I could speak. No words I can say will compare to the soul searching they have all done and spoken among their family.

Before I visited, I stopped at a gas station and erratically (while crying) purchased every flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream I could find. Something about ice cream sounded comforting to me. Not like they need any more food. What I wanted desperately to give is impossible-- I want this to go away. I don't find it fair and I want to fix it instead of giving them dessert.

On the way home, as I drove in my car, I stopped cursing God. I remembered the family's words of thanking God for their blessings, their friends, their son and the time they had. I remembered Jason smiling, even though he must have been so tired. Plus, it must have been painful to --- in a way-- say goodbye to all his friends.

So I won't curse God. I will direct my energy to praying for whatever miracles can come next.

God, thank you for Jason and give him and his family peace.

April Fools! My life... lately

We may be fools but we look happy! Rest assured, all this amazing, fantastic, CRAZY news-of-me will be true, no jokes here... this really is my life. Scary huh?

The family of penguins... what can I say? I love Penguins. The biggest one (in the middle) is my latest purchase, found him with Ainsley at the Minnesota zoo. That was a great trip. We met up with David who was in town for basketball and he went to the Mall of America with us. He waited ever so patiently while we tried on every pair of clothes-- ever! David really is the best male shopping buddy, either that or bottles all his annoyance and seethes on the inside.

After spring break, I had a hard time getting my butt back in gear. I had enjoyed my break so much. Mostly, I slept until 11, read books (not required for any class) and took walks. I also spent two days back in Bismarck, visiting summer friends and speaking to the League of Women Voters. That was a great experience. I forgot about the nerves of public speaking, but it was a relatively small group and they were so much fun! For 20 minutes afterwards, they asked me questions about women, politics, culture, college financial aid etc. I felt like I was at a press conference -- oh the power! :) Afterward, one woman insisted I should run for state legislature... te he. Sorry, the idea of me wielding political power just makes me giggle. But I was very flattered all the same.

Speaking of books I read over break, one that I must take a time-out to recommend is:

It took me only a day or so to get through this book. It's non-fiction but reads more like a deeply personal journal entry from a woman who describes herself as feminist, but ponders what has happened to our culture.

She interviews the cast of Comedy Central's "The Man Show," rides the elevator of Playboy Enterprises with women auditioning to be Playmates in the 50th anniversary edition. She walks a Florida beach where women are urged to flash the crew of Girls Gone Wild. She interviews businesswomen, teenage women and lesbians and it's really fascinating.

This book was a major light-bulb moment for me. How I wonder, do we live in a time of MTV's "Date My Mom," "Girls gone wild," thongs being sold at JCPenny's and yet I still feel so...un-liberated. Levy shows us that our culture is not "pursuing the confident, self-determined, powerful, free ideal the women’s liberation movement would have dreamed for its daughters. Instead, our icons are porn stars and strippers and prostitutes. Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson."

This book is a great read for anyone- man or woman -- who has found our culture's representation of sex not only raunchy but at the same time, very limiting. An interesting enigma but think about it... Conservative culture sells us: sex for married man and wife ONLY-- anything else is immoral and ugly. Where Hollywood packages sex: fake boobs, bleached hair, legs splayed on the pages of Playboy. Neither of those images is all that liberating is it?

Anyway... enough. I was just so mentally pumped after reading this book. I'm desperate for someone else to read it so I can talk about it more :)

BACK TO ME :)

I can't believe it is already April. Mom and I will be in Palm Springs in 6 days and after that in Eureka (oh yeah, don't tell me you've never heard of it) for the Easter extravaganza egg-dye that my aunt puts on. I love April! Hopefully we'll see less showers. I think it's rained enough in March to satisfy the spring quota. The Red River Valley is once again resembling a bath tub and I need a canoe to make my way around campus.

Tonight not much exciting is on the menu. Right on schedule, I have caught my spring cold. Nostrils are useless, ears are plugged and swallowing is a bitch. Tonight, I along with my Vicks Vapo Rub and my "Puffs plus lotion" tissues are going to relax on the couch... God willing the boys upstairs quit partying. I've already seen them puke off the balcony enough for one year.