Perspective.

UPDATE!!! AS OF APRIL 16. 2006

Check out this amazing story
CLICK HERE to hear Jason's voice and pictures!!!!!



This is the coolest guy ever. His name is Jason. I blogged about him before in January.

It was my one wish for 2006 that Jason could beat cancer. He was diagnosed his junior year in high school with a stage 4 brain tumor. He wasn't supposed to live one year. But he's made it more than three. Sadly this looks to be the end of his journey.

The cancer has returned, he has 12 spots of it on his brain, including one big tumor on the front of his brain. Another large tumor at the base of his spine and his entire spinal cord is "frosted" with more cancer.

His family took him home to be with friends and relatives. His endless rounds of radiation and chemo are done. It's a scary thing to say and I hate typing it. It sounds like giving up but it's not. It's brave and strong. Jason's mother told me he has days, perhaps weeks left. "Hopefully," she says, "he can go in his sleep."

While driving out to see the family, I was angry with God. "This is bullshit," I told him. "It would totally serve you right if I converted to Wicca." Why does God let us down? When we pray for miracles and believe in God's power? Why does God dissapoint us? I was boiling angry all the way there.

But as usual, Jason and his parents gave me a new perspective. His mom, Shelle kept saying "We are so blessed and we're leaving nothing left unsaid. We wish we had him longer but we will treasure every moment."

I wanted to tell Jason how beautiful I thought he was, inside and out. How he inspired me to find God in my life every single day and have faith every single day. Jason's example of never giving up, always living shows me to treasure life for its joys and not to fear pain, death and illness. Jason always lived. He just did it. Even when it hurt and people told him it was over. Even tonight. He sat at the table and ate puppy chow and smiled. I wanted to tell Jason I thought this was the crappiest thing ever because he was so cool and so cute and any girl would be so lucky to be his and he'd be a great parent someday and a fun co-worker. He could be a best friend to so many people. He should have had 80 more years. Mostly, I wanted to tell Jason how privileged I felt to meet him and get to know his family. I wanted him to know that I was scared of death but I didn't want him to be scared because there was so much love and faith that would guide him home.

But I can't say these things. #1 because I've only known Jason through the 2 stories I've written about him for Studio One and #2 because I just can't. I can't say the word "die." You're dying. You're 20 years old. Amazing. Young. Handsome. Fun and you're dying. It seems cruel and empty. I just gave him a hug and told him "You look good ... and I love you." Those are true words for sure and they are all I could speak. No words I can say will compare to the soul searching they have all done and spoken among their family.

Before I visited, I stopped at a gas station and erratically (while crying) purchased every flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream I could find. Something about ice cream sounded comforting to me. Not like they need any more food. What I wanted desperately to give is impossible-- I want this to go away. I don't find it fair and I want to fix it instead of giving them dessert.

On the way home, as I drove in my car, I stopped cursing God. I remembered the family's words of thanking God for their blessings, their friends, their son and the time they had. I remembered Jason smiling, even though he must have been so tired. Plus, it must have been painful to --- in a way-- say goodbye to all his friends.

So I won't curse God. I will direct my energy to praying for whatever miracles can come next.

God, thank you for Jason and give him and his family peace.