Whodathunk?

Wow. My first job outta college is nothing like I would have imagined.

For one, my first stop today was at a porn shop (they are kind enough to let us use their free customer parking rather than a pay-to-park downtown lot). It's odd being in a porn shop at 8 am but even odder when they are so polite and professional. Not that I expect porn shop workers to be gross but it's so weird to get that kind of treatment when you're surounded by dildos.

Next, I spent all day in the most serious of situations... a small room with woman after woman-- all who were about to have abortions.

"Nervous" does not begin to describe my emotions. But really, my job was only to watch. I will be a patient advocate eventually but for now I am training. My job will be taking vitals like blood pressure, temp and then going over the logistics of the abortion. But also I have to ask "How do you feel about being here?" "Do you have a support system today?" And be the word of authority on whether or not this woman (or sometimes, girl) is sent down to the O.R.

Most women today were very calm and collected about their decisions. For some it wasn't their first time having the procedure. Many others, most my age, seemed nervous but thankful to be there. Only two cried.

Every woman got birth control prescriptions, counseling and a lot of great information but I couldn't help wanting to leave with all of them and make sure everything went okay later on too. But I can't "save" anyone from pain, I can only try and make sure they know they are safe, respected and cared for while they are with me. Which is only for 15 minutes.

It's frustrating because seeing all these women who needed us and were so thankful for the option just makes me want to fight anti-choice legislation all the harder. One woman said, "I'd rather die than have this baby." I believe her. She wouldn't be the first one.

My last girl kept crying. She said, "I can't make up my mind. Neither can my boyfriend. But we drove for hours to get here today!"

I told her that she shouldnt' base this type of decision on how long her drive was. She wasn't that far along. She had more time to think it over so it didn't have to be now or never. She left with some information and decided against it "for now." When she walked towarded her boyfriend, sheepish and teary eyed, he rose to embrace her and I thought *(though maybe it was my imagination) that he looked relieved. Maybe he's just very supportive.

Either way, I found myself secretly happy for her. Not because I think abortion is wrong but because I know it would have been wrong for her today. And I know that if she changes her mind she has the choice, the right and a safe environment.

This is likely the last time I will talk about this job on "this" blog, due to the controversial nature of the choice debate.

However, I just wanted to let you know that I have my first post-college job and I couldn't be more proud of it. I just hope I'm woman enough to handle the emotional strain. Especially since my training will eventually take me down to the O.R. to be with the woman DURING the procedure. That is making me nervous... but we'll see, I want to be a hand they can hold...

Frick

This part of my life is really exhausting and I think I'm starting to have physical symptoms that reflect this. Seriously, I've had a headache for 36 hours. It sucks.

I realize I'm lucky. I'm living with Tyler, we have a beautiful apartment but I am so lost. It's like I feel like I'm in a hotel or something.

We have 800 DVDs to watch and I have a stack of great books to read but I just seem to wander through the place aimlessly confused and uncomfortable.

Tomorrow I start work and I should be excited. I'm scared though and I feel really lost and weird. I'm not in school and I have no career and..... frick!

I think a lot of this anxiety would go away if my head quit hurting.

Poor little celebrity

This article gave me a headache-- because of all the eye rolling!

Leonardo DiCaprio says the movie Titanic “objectified” him and made him feel like a piece of “cute meat.”

Um. Get over it.

You ARE cute. You played Jack, a romantic lead who said things like “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me” as you froze to death. Tween girls want a guy that looks like Leo. They also want a guy who’s hero enough to give up their only bit of driftwood so we don’t freeze our ass off in the Atlantic. So some girls put a picture of you on their bedroom wall--- how does that make you any less of a serious actor?

And if we want to talk objectification let’s recall Titanic. If memory serves, I believe it was Kate Winslet who did full frontal nudity in that movie. I mean, really, and while I think Winslet has the most smokin’ body in Hollywood, she has to constantly endure the patronizing Hollywood press “congratulating” her on her “courage to be fat in the entertainment industry.”

And really, has Leo been typecast? No. I have seen him in no romantic comedies or any traditional “romantic” roles since Titanic. He’s done:

The Beach
The Aviator
Catch me if you Can
Gangs of New York
The Departed
Blood Diamond

Yep, don’t see much romance in there. I’m sure scripts came across his desk for romance but he chose to ignore them because he was a big enough star—THANKS TO TIANIC. Sure he had critical acclaim from earlier roles in “Romeo and Juliet” and “Basketball Diaries” but it was Titanic that made him a millionaire and a recognized name.

Here’s my theory, Leo… you got sick of all the guys making fun of you for playing a “softie” role in major chick flick like Titanic. Well stop it, we get it. You’re a big tough macho man. You go to basketball games, play hardened cops in Scorsese films and date hot models like Gisele Bundchen. We get it, you’re too cool for Jack Dawson. But don’t bite the hand that feeds you and certainly don’t talk smack about movies that made you a star.

And on a personal note, I’m hurt! Titanic was a huge awakening for me in 7th grade. It was the first movie romance that made me cry so hard it hurt. To me there was nothing more beautiful than the love that would “never let go.” Leo, you better watch it or I’ll go all Rose DeWitt Bukater on your ass. Oh yeah, she was feisty, she’d beat you up!

Sleeping in...

... I do it all the time now. It's the upshot of having no job, you can sleep until 11 am. I am trying not to panic that no place has called me back to hire me yet. My mom keeps telling me I will eventually get a job and I should just enjoy this odd rarity in my life. I have no school or work so I can read all day or make my apartment pretty. Soon jobs will start and my life will be a whirlwind again. I'm worried though. What if I get too used to this lifestyle and don't have any desire to work ever? I'm sure motivation will be provided shortly after we get our "past due" notices on our bills.

I know I should post pics of the new short hair but I'm too lame to go get my camera right now and besides its all crazy and sticky-up since I haven't showered it or styled it this morning... errr, afternoon. I just have to say, WHY on earth did I live with long hair for so long? I can't stand all the effort and I never knew what to do with it anyway. Short is the way to go.

Someone needs to help me figure out blogspot stat. I am feeling more and more like they are hating on me. Even when I sign in they slam me. Would you rather sign in with google or "OLD blogger." Emphasis on old, washed up, lame blogger who can't get with the times. Well that's just it- I can't get with the times! And it sucks because other blogs won't let me comment now so I can't remark on anyone's posts. Someone help! I have gmail but I don't get it.

Yesterday I drove back to the Forks to do some errands. My class ring (see pic) was back from being sized. As you can tell from the pic, it's not a traditional class ring-- I didn't really like the look of any of the official class rings they had so I picked this guy out. I like it because it has personal meaning to me and it's not a huge honker like most "class rings" you see advertised. The four emeralds represent my four years at UND, the three diamonds are for the trinity and the yellow gold and white gold coming together in one band remind me of finding Tyler in school. Awwwww- yeah gross I know. But I like it.


Also in Gf was Hunter, who I needed to see before he went back to school in Boston. It was great seeing him but it reminded me how unfair it was that some of my dearest friends live far away.

I also did approx. 8 tons of laundry in GF. That's right, even though I'm 70+ miles away, I'm still mooching off my parents hardcore. But I bet I saved $6 and when you have no job that equates to at least two more meals.

Mom and I spent most of the evening together watching HGTV and running around town to look for bargain shopping deals (two pillows for $7 each-- not bad). When it was time to go, I'm embarrassed to say I got a little teary. Cripes-- it's like an hour away but I just love my mom so much. I'm pretty sure she's the love of my life- non romantically speaking. She told me that this move was "good for us" and I kind of find that weird. If she were a friend or romantic person in my life I'd never say that moving away was "good for us." But it's just something parents and children say I guess.

Well regardless I don't ever think I'll cut that cord. It feels like a very tangible line stretching down I-29 sometimes. She'll always be the person that gets my jokes and knows how to rub my head just right when I'm in my "I'm worthless" mood. She just gets me and I get her and we're the only two people on earth who get dad so it's a special connection. :)

Ahhh, but I can tell I'm starting to come off as a little crazy psycho. It's just something I think about a lot lately as I see my life change. More friends getting married, Tyler and I living together doing our own thing. I'm an adult now and it's really scary-- don't you ever just want to be a little kid in your mom's lap again? Sometimes I feel that way and then othertimes it's really nice to be at this part of life too. Just scary is all...

Speaking of scary. When I drove down to GF I took a banana thinking it would be a good snack but it was just smelling up the car and felt mushy. I was agonizing for 20 miles over whether or not I could throw it out the window and not be a "litter bug." Finally I decided that since it was food and animals eat food, it was okay. Besides it wasn't like throwing out a Styrofoam cup-- a banana would decompose or what not. So I finally got the courage to roll down my window and I chucked the banana out the passenger side (I was driving) so it would land in the ditch where hungry animals could find it.

Trouble is-- I neglected the ND winds which blew the banana back toward my car and SPLAT. Needless to say I had some frozen banana guts on my trunk and my car STILL smelled like banana.

That's what I get for littering!

Short update

It's 3 am. Ahhhh. Good thing I don't have a job to get up for. Actually, wait... I need a job.

I chopped off my hair. It's super short. I love it.

We moved-- Tyler and I. It's exhausting-- I never want to move again, EVER. Unless I find a new city or a house.

There were a few casualities on moving day. Tyler's giant TV went splat in the U-haul and a few other minor things were lost. I'm just glad we both got here in one piece. It still kind of feels like I'm just visiting here. It's weird.

I think I'm off to bed for now. Too tired to think of anything interesting or at all relevant.

.... .hmmm.... I'm hungry

2007-- what!?

Words cannot express the whirlwind that is my life right now.

First-- I graduated-- that was sweet.

Then holidays came and went in a blur. I worked all the time. I even worked Christmas Eve AND Dec 26 (12 1/2 hour shift, thank you).

Finally Heather and Aaron got married-- aww look at them all cute (that's me on the right, horning in on the picture). That rocked.

Now I am moving! Today was my last day at B&B-- kinda sad actually. As much as I hate working retail-- especially around Christmas, many of the girls I met were really nice.

Life is so confusing now. I do NOT have a job where I'm moving. Silly me- I assumed that degree = job offers. I have made lots of calls, been to a few job fairs and even been on a few interviews but I'm either not right for the job or it isn't right for me. It's all complicated by the fact that I don't have a specific job in mind. I know I want to write and I love working with women's issues. That leaves a lot open. Me + decent salary + benefits = good.

I finally finished my thank-you notes. Hooray for that. I have had the TV on in the background all day. Sometimes it feels good to just be a TV-whore for a day. Although, I'm pretty sure I get more and more stupid the longer I watch it. Let's give you an idea of just how stupid...

Vh1 has a marathon of America's Next Top Model
MTV is playing "The Duel"

and I'm watching both. Grosssssssssss. Why do I crave reality TV drama? It's so funny that the longer you watch reality TV, the hotter certain men on the show become. Nigel Barker from ANTM-- purrr. And CT from The Duel, he has this bizzaro Brooklyn accent and he tends to insult people by calling them "meatball" but I can't help it-- he's eye candy on screen. He doesn't need to be smart, people!

I think I need to turn off the TV and do some packing or more job searching... something. I am starting to see the same frickin' commercials over and over. Like Vh1 is doing some new celebReality series called "Shooting Sizemore"-- another washed up actor who got addicted to drugs, is a total asshole to people (he beat up Heidi Fleiss) and is screaming all the time-- why I need to see losers ruin their life on drugs all the time-- not sure? Wasn't Danny Bonaduce bad enough?

Ugh-- enough TV! And yet... packing sounds even less fun :(